When I was 14, my secondary school teacher said something to me that I could not quite understand. It was something along the line of remembering and embracing who I am; and even though I do not understand it now, I would in the future.
That line bothered me. I was not sure if it was an advice or maybe a compliment.
Now at 25, I finally understood what she was trying to say even though I am pretty sure she might not actually remember telling me that.
Since coming to Beijing, I’ve met different people from all walks of life. While I thank God for the wonderful friends He placed in my life, I am also confronted of my own identity.
For the first time, I have to decide whether, and to what extent, to allow myself to be the person that I am brought up to be.
Unlike most expats, I have not been to many countries and neither was I educated in Australia, London or the States. I hated English when I was growing up and was never good at it since my family only spoke mandarin. Traveling was not much of an option either since we were not exactly wealthy.
I guess language was the biggest barrier I faced growing up. Despite being a talkative girl, I actually avoided all English conversations due to my insufficient proficiency. I hated the fact that all subjects were taught in English and I had difficulties understanding math and science questions.
I also hated how people view chinese-speaking families as second class citizens of the country but that’s another story.
Yes, there were some comparisons when I was growing up but it did not bother me that much despite my uncomfortable relationship with the english relationship and how it played a part to my social development.
Somehow in Beijing, my identity is confronted.
I could adopt a new identity in Beijing but that would be a lie that is hard to keep up with. I could not relate to the many travel stories that my friends shared over dinner conversations or partake in their excitement of a new trip ahead. I would get nervous when friends asked me if I had went to this or that country, where I studied or even my parent’s occupation. I stutter when I am too conscious about my grammatically wrong sentences.
It seemed to me that all these experiences establish a certain kind of identity. Such comparison is more than coveting your friend’s new toy when you were younger.
I was afraid of being judged as being less cultured and knowledgeable because I was not educated in Australia, London or the States. I was afraid of being called narrow-minded because I was not well travelled. I was afraid of being looked down upon because I chose not to spend on a vacation. I was afraid of being labelled as second class citizen because English isn’t exactly my ‘first’ language.
While I was happy that my friends are blessed with these wonderful experiences, education and family, they also made me painfully aware of my identity – who I am and what I lack.
My contentment was destroyed with the sudden desire of pursuing those encounters and materials that my friends talked about. The silly joke of marrying someone richer became a possible goal in life.
Thankfully, that phase was short and temporary. Like Dr. A. R. Bernard shared, my net-worth does not determine my self-worth. There is no shame in who I am, how I was brought up, where I studied or even my parents’ occupation.
I am also constantly reminded by how God has blessed me despite circumstances. Sure, I have to deal with certain lack in life but that is also how God shows me His divine provision.
Also, as I got to know my friends better, I realize that their lives are not perfect as well. We all have struggles that come in different shapes and sizes. I would be really hypocritical to assume their lives are a bed of roses just because they had all these experiences.
So… I need to thank my secondary school teacher who imparted that wisdom to me at the tender age of 14. Remembering and embracing who I am; and even though I do not understand it now, I would in the future.
LIFE ACCORDING TO JANICE 